Slow Dancing with a Stranger Read online

  Dedication

  To Hope, Eli, and Benjamin:

  May your memories last a lifetime.

  Contents

  Dedication

  Introduction: Every 68 Seconds

  One: Early Signs

  Two: A Different Reality

  Three: Two Uncertain Worlds

  Four: Out of Reach

  Five: A Difficult Patient

  Six: Changing Landscape

  Seven: Dressed in Black

  Eight: We Are Not Available Right Now

  Nine: Behind Closed Doors

  Ten: The Message Has Been Sent

  Eleven: Outlasting the Brain

  Twelve: Repeating Myself

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Praise

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  INTRODUCTION

  EVERY 68 SECONDS

  The man I live with is not the man I fell in love with and married.

  He has slowly been robbed of something we all take for granted: the ability to navigate the mundane activities of daily living—bathing, shaving, dressing, feeding, and using the bathroom. His inner clock is confused and can’t be reset. His eyes are vacant and unaware—as if an internal window shade veils our access.

  Before I grasped what was happening, I was hurt and annoyed by my husband’s behavior. Those feelings dissolved into unconditional empathy once I understood the cruelty of his diagnosis: early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. He was fifty-eight.

  At first, I ran interference and fought for him because it was the right thing to do. He was slipping out of control—confused, childlike and helpless, his social filters stripped away. He shadowed me because I was familiar and safe, even when he could no longer remember my name.

  I always loved him, but during our marriage, he was often aloof and unreachable. In illness, unlike in health, he made me feel needed and important to him.

  Neither a scientist nor a neurologist, I have spent close to two decades trying to decipher what’s going on in my husband’s head. How hard and unfair it is for such a smart man to lose pieces of his intellect and independence as the circuitry of his brain misfires and corrodes. No new short-term memories stick: his internal navigational compass has shut down. His disease is my crossword puzzle.

  Harvey has long forgotten me, but I am constant as his copilot and guardian. Every conversation is inclusive and respectful even though he is often unintelligible or mute. It is a charade that never ends. I bear the burden of all decisions for us both. The demons and terror of his world define mine. Any challenge is self-defeating. I play into his reality and pretend that his fate and our life together are not doomed. Unfortunately, I know better.

  Alzheimer’s distorts and destroys shared memories that bind family ties. Caregivers are not unlike victims who survive a hurricane and find ourselves sifting through the rubble to rescue faded, storm-drenched photos or sentimental objects. We piece together what’s left of our past and struggle to put down building blocks for the future. I need to make some sense of my journey through this storm.

  My bookshelf is lined with tomes on dementia care, yet the page I need always seems to be missing. Each brain unravels in its own quirky and idiosyncratic way. I have learned firsthand that there is no single solution to taking care of someone with dementia.

  Many times, personal stories involving Alzheimer’s gloss over the unseemly details of care. They are written as love stories of unquestioned devotion or living memorials to honor someone during better times. Why not? As spouses and caregivers, we deserve to do whatever works for us. It is our version of pain management. But I never wanted to embellish or soften the edges around the truth. It does not do justice to the cruelty of the disease. I offer you my own experiences from a position of hard-won humility. I hope you will thread them with your own.

  When I say I have cared full-time for Harvey in our home all these years, many ask me why. Even now, there is always an initial reflex that makes me want to say, “Do I really need to explain myself after all I’ve been through?”

  I realize that the question is a natural one, a human one, a social one. The interlocutors are not judging me, but rather vicariously checking themselves. In questioning me, they are testing their own capacity to deal with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and the potential impact it might have on their relationship with a partner or parent.

  When people hear my story, they sometimes tell me they wouldn’t make the same choices. I do not hold myself up as an example to follow. No one who has been on the frontlines of care ever questions when someone says “I can’t do this anymore.” But I do want to be part of the last generation of caregivers trapped by a loved one’s diagnosis, an absence of disease-modifying therapies, and a troublesome lack of quality care options.

  When it comes to Alzheimer’s, caregivers are frequently too worn out or isolated to protest. Perhaps this is why advocacy around the disease has often lacked the passion and energy that characterize the cancer and HIV communities. But how will people understand if we do not tell our stories without apology?

  Alzheimer’s disease today affects a reported 5.4 million people in the United States and 44 million worldwide. Like a stealth invader, it is quietly dementing aging populations globally while quickly pushing past cancer and HIV/AIDS as the most critical public health problem of our time. Every 68 seconds, another of us falls victim. Yet, fifty percent of those with dementia never get diagnosed.

  My greatest fear is that mine will be the family next door by mid-century.

  There is not a single FDA-approved drug that actually slows the progression of Alzheimer’s disease. There have been too many failed late-stage clinical trials with promising drugs that seemed to work—until it became clear they did not.

  Sometimes I think we would be better off if Alzheimer’s disease was a brand-new emergency instead of a century-old threat to which we somehow have become inured. Perhaps people would understand that when it comes to this disease, everyone is a stakeholder, because everyone is at risk.

  There are also 15 million caregivers just like me; unintended victims and not among the official count. Add to our legions those caring for loved ones—young and old—with diseases of the brain, traumatic brain injuries, and other chronic diseases complicated by a memory disorder. We speak the same language. Our numbers amplify the collective pain that makes it impossible for me to rest.

  The only way to minimize the effects of Alzheimer’s disease is to get out in front of it; delay its onset or even reverse its devastation of the mind. We need to move toward early diagnosis and study adults who do not yet show symptoms. People like you and me.

  Such a decision entails hard personal choices, risks, and emotional discomfort. It means demanding safe and clinically valid genetic tests that let us learn if we are at higher risk for getting Alzheimer’s disease. It requires managing our lives and choices under the shadow of the possibility of disease.

  Those of us who are fifty years and older must stop viewing ourselves as ageless. All of us should track our cognitive health, just as we do cholesterol levels or blood pressure. We need to overcome fear and stop cowering in the shadows of stigma.

  I write for all of us who are still well, but have seen the devastation of Alzheimer’s disease firsthand. The emergency is with us and in us.

  I write to clinicians, reluctant to diagnose because they can’t effectively treat. Please know the inadvertent trauma you inflict on families left confused, hurt, and helpless. Then time runs out on the ultimate conversation with our loved ones about end-of-life wishes. Their minds are erased. It is simply too late.

  I write to reach the generation of our a
dult sons and daughters, who struggle to understand our lives as we care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. They stand on the precipice and wrestle with issues and decisions similar to the ones we have faced. They deserve better options and not the bankrupting burden of our care. This is not the legacy we want for our children or the way anyone wishes to be remembered.

  I write for my grandchildren because, no matter how hard I tried, Alzheimer’s blanketed my home with sadness. I know that loving each of them unconditionally has been my salvation. One day, I hope they read these words and appreciate my choices.

  As I write these words, a faint glow fills the room I share with Harvey. He is always present, even though he is absent. There is an intimacy in our isolation. Nonetheless, I am willing to open the door to our room in the hope that you will find a way inside. Only then will my story be worth the pain of its telling.

  ONE

  EARLY SIGNS

  This is not the first time I have sat staring at the computer screen wondering how to begin or what to say. As a former TV news reporter, I know how to write succinctly about complex issues. I spent most of my career finding ways to allow people to quickly grasp whatever was happening that day.

  Perhaps what stops me is a feeling I cannot shake—that it is premature, even emotionally offensive, to write an obituary while he is still alive. We do it all the time in network news, whenever a notable is seriously ill. That way, we are ready when the time comes to break the sad headlines with a touching tribute that invites us all to share vicarious memories. But in this case, who really cares?—except our immediate family, who also lives in limbo. The man I knew, loved, and married has been absent and anonymous for years, even though he lives at home and is cared for by me. Close friends and coworkers abandoned us long ago. It was too disconcerting to walk through our door and see someone who was once just like them being destroyed in slow motion by an insidious disease for which there is no cure. I understand how they feel, even though I was left behind too and I’m not sick. How do I write about a twenty-year gaping hole in our lives—an intimate part of our history—when it’s still not over?

  I am not sure when people at work realized that something was wrong with Harvey. But I remember vividly how his behavior at home changed.

  This commanding, strong-willed, yet considerate man became upset when things didn’t go his way. The slightest thing set him off. If he couldn’t find his wallet, keys, or papers, accusations flew that someone, anyone at home but Harvey, had taken them. When I mentioned the change in his behavior, he erupted in anger. In the face of his wrath, I went silent, infuriating him even more. These episodes usually ended with Harvey storming out, slamming the front door and driving off. It was painful, and I wondered if our marriage was in trouble.

  Now I know that this behavior is common in the early stages of the disease, when symptoms are emerging but not yet full blown. The Academy of Neurology reports that the pressures on family life due to Alzheimer’s begin long before active dementia is apparent, and this was my experience too. Individuals start to privately fight the earliest stages of dementia but are unable to articulate what is wrong. The stress on them and their loved ones is overwhelming.

  It is impossible to detect exactly when this process starts, and it was especially difficult in the case of someone like Harvey. He was the type of person who always got noticed. When he walked in the room, you knew he was there.

  At the National Institutes of Health, where he had worked since the 1960s, most of the male scientists wore khakis, a wrinkled non-iron shirt, and a blue blazer to work every day. Harvey was always impeccably dressed in the latest styles. As a high school student, he had worked in a men’s clothing shop to earn extra money, and his father never let him spend the cash on clothes. Harvey made up for lost time as an adult. Most days, he had to wear a white lab coat but still managed to assert his sartorial taste with English cuffed shirts, French silk ties, and the most flamboyant socks peeking above his soft Italian suede or leather loafers.

  Harvey was on the international scientific circuit and traveled frequently to Europe to attend conferences and present papers. He always returned home with a refrigerated box containing medical samples and, tucked amid the dry ice, tins of foie gras, Petrossian caviar, and smoked salmon from Fauchon, a gourmet food shop on the right bank of the Seine. His suitcase was a gourmand’s treasure trove: boxes of Richart handmade chocolate, macarons from Ladurée on the Champs-Élysées, and at least two or three bottles of wine wrapped in his clothes. There were new ties, the old ones stained purple from a tasting tour in Burgundy or Bordeaux—his rationale for indulging himself with even more ties. He drove a canary yellow 911 Porsche to work every day, which he enjoyed so much that I not so jokingly referred to it as his mistress. It glimmered in the parking lot at the NIH, a foreign traveler in a land where most of the other cars were sensible four-door sedans. In the evenings, after a long day caring for patients or working in the lab, he liked to hit the gas pedal. I could hear the distinctive engine roar a block away as he entered our street—a ten-minute route he drove for thirty-one years, until the disease impaired his ability to find his way home.

  From the beginning, Harvey and I used to joke that it was amazing we found each other. He had a son, Mark, from a first marriage that ended in divorce. His second wife left unannounced one day, taking everything with her. It left him bitter and untrusting. I was a single mother with a five-year-old son. I rarely had time or inclination to socialize, but one day a neighbor asked me to drop by her house on a Sunday afternoon to meet an eligible doctor friend who was there to watch a football game. At first I demurred, but she persisted. I gave in but told her I was coming with my son and wasn’t going to put on makeup.

  It has been almost forty years since the day we met, and even now I remember every detail. Harvey, long and lean, was dressed in a forest green wool turtleneck, corduroy slacks, and well-worn hiking boots. He was more distinguished looking than handsome, but it was hard to ignore his steely blue eyes. He was smoking a hand-carved Algerian briar pipe that wafted a woodsy aroma of Dunhill #6. Jason and I arrived at the house during a dramatic fourth-quarter play between the New York Giants and the Green Bay Packers, and Harvey, a Giants fan, was distracted. He invited Jason to sit next to him on the couch. The image of the two of them sitting companionably together gave me a sharp pang of longing. This was what I wanted: a father for my son and a family life. Confused by my feelings, I retreated to the kitchen. My five-year-old was the one who invited Harvey to come over to our house.

  For our first date a week later, we agreed that Harvey would stop by after I returned home from anchoring the ten o’clock news. He arrived shortly after the sitter left, and Jason was already sound asleep. I headed for the kitchen to get him a drink while he settled onto my couch. When I returned less than five minutes later, he was sound asleep, having started his day at the hospital around six in the morning. I tried to wake him, but he didn’t budge. So I grabbed a throw blanket, draped it over him, turned off the lights, and went up to bed. When I came down in the morning, he was gone. No note—just gone.

  Later, we joked that a relationship would never work. We had very different lives. Despite the uncertainty, neither of us wanted to end things. Then something happened that crystallized for me why. Four months into our relationship, I got a call late one afternoon, just two weeks before Jason and I were to join my mother for my brother Steve’s graduation from Antioch College. It was the local police saying that my brother had been reported missing and later found in a wooded area near campus, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. The police needed me to identify the body. I didn’t want to disturb Harvey at work for fear of asking too much from a new relationship. I left a brief voice message saying that I had to go out of town unexpectedly. I was packing to leave when Harvey showed up at the front door. He offered to stay with Jason or come with me to help. Three days later, my brother was buried under a tree, next to the red stable where he u
sed to teach children with physical disabilities to ride. I emptied out his apartment, packed a truck with his things, and adopted his mongrel dog, Sash, whom he had left behind with extra food, water, and a note. “I can’t lock my heart away in a box for safekeeping,” he wrote, referring to a love affair gone sour, as we mourned our loss. My mother flew back to Washington alone. Harvey showed up with a cooler under his arm, and we drove back in the truck. He said he didn’t want me to go it alone. Six months later, he moved in with us.

  Four years later, we were married in the empty living room of an old Spanish-style home we bought together and planned to renovate. We invited thirty guests, including the neighbor who had introduced us. Harvey showed up late to his own wedding; he was tending to a very sick patient at the NIH.

  The truth is that Harvey’s research and his patients took precedence throughout our marriage. I grew used to him missing holidays, canceling vacations, and rescheduling dinner with friends. He was not generous with expressions of love, which is one reason I treasured a letter he wrote to me aboard a night flight to Paris shortly after we met. Tucked behind a fading, yet favorite photo and the last one of Harvey well, it read: “Dearest M,”—M was his nickname for me—“I miss you terribly and I am only 2½ hours away from you. I am not sure that I express my true feelings to you, but the inner euphoria and excitement is something I have never experienced before. The seat next to me is empty, and I have turned to it hoping that somehow you will be there.”

  Given our work and travel schedules, our favorite times were the weekends, when we stayed home and read the Sunday New York Times together. When we did go out in the evening, Harvey always took charge of ordering the wine. In a French restaurant, he spoke to the waiters in excellent French, which he taught himself by listening to Foreign Service language tapes while out for his daily long-distance run. It was one thing we did together with our dog, Sash, whom Harvey spoiled and from whom he got unconditional love in return. Our six-mile runs didn’t exactly promote togetherness, though. Harvey was always two hundred yards ahead of me, mesmerized in his next language lesson or deep in thought about an experiment that hadn’t lived up to his expectations.